walls come down.

God's ways are so marvelous and mysterious...try as we might, we just cannot figure him out. I know that I go through (embarrassingly many) seasons where I feel like I've figured him out and then God totally shatters whatever limitations that I placed on him. I love it when he does that. 

So often I find myself believing the lie that God can only speak to me when I have been "really spiritual", whatever that even means. Well I was not feeling super spiritual when I returned from Chicago. I was so wrapped up in seeing my friends and family that I allowed it to pull my attention away from the Father. I found myself in this really weird place where, even though I was surrounded by earthly fellowship with his body, I was not fellowshipping with him directly. Does that make sense? Each day that passed without me praying or spending time in the word really took it's toll on me. I was asking God to zap me with some spiritual motivation and was frustrated when that wasn't happening. 

And then one fateful Sunday, everything changed. Let's be clear, it had been a crappy Sunday morning so far. Without going into the intricate details of that morning, I will just state that we were about a half an hour late to church (and I HATE being late) so we had to sit in the nosebleed seats (metaphorically speaking). Not only that, but I was informed that we would be leaving a half an hour early so we could pick up my brother from the airport. So basically, we were going to be in church for roughly 30 min, 45 min tops. I was not thrilled. What could God possibly say to me in such a short amount of time? I think that God loves a challenge (not that anything is technically challenging for him, but sometimes we forget that and challenge him anyways... do you know what I mean?)

So I am sitting in the pews, trying (and failing) so suppress the frustration in my heart and open my mind to what God was saying through the pastor, who ironically was speaking on "Cultivating a Spiritual Appetite"...fitting, right? I distinctly remember fighting to keep my eyes open when these words were spoken, piercing through my near slumber and reverberating in my ears:

'You cannot develop an appetite for something that you never eat. "

It was simple and yet so profound. The answer to my problem was revealed to me. I was trying to ask God to magically make me want more of him and more of his word, etc...But I wasn't reading it. I wasn't spending time with him. In that moment I realized that in order to crave the word of God, I needed to simply begin to read it. I was reminded of this quote by D.A. Carson--

People do not drift toward Holiness. Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to the Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord.

 I realize that this may seem really simple (I guess it is), but it was extremely profound to me and I smiled as I thought about the way that God had chosen to speak to me. He didn't pick a time when I was super juiced on his word (although I know he does that). He didn't pick a time when I was spending a lot of time in prayer (although I know he does that, too). He decided that enough was enough and that he was going to invade the hard exterior of my heart that had begun to thicken with apathy and complacency. I am so thankful that God is bigger. He is bigger than the meager picture that I often paint of him. He is bigger than the tiny view that I sometimes have of him. And most of all, he is bigger than the walls that I unintentionally can put up to keep him from coming close and seeing me as I am. 

Things like this remind me that I am outrageously loved by the King with a love that is strong enough to break down whatever defenses I may try to come at him with. It's in his love that he pursues me relentlessly and speaks to me in ways in which I will hear.