A BRUTALLY HONEST POST ABOUT DOUBT
Ok so this is going to be a post about DOUBT. I feel like maybe a lot of Christians struggle with doubt but because we want to appear holy and righteous before our peers we don't talk about it because we want people to think that we have our sh*t together? Just me? Anyways. I have been in such a funny season with the Lord, you guys. As I've mentioned before, 2016 was kind of a topsy turvy year for me for many reasons but the election really caused me to question a lot of things about the Church, which has subsequently led me to have more questions than ever about God. Let me give some examples.
How is it that a loving God can allow so much brokenness to exist? I know, I know, we live in a world fractured by the original sin of Adam...but seriously...why are there people who are getting blown to pieces in Syria while I am sitting in my warm, comfortable bed typing on my Apple computer?
Or why is it that I can ask God for a new job and then God provides me with the best job ever but then doesn't answer the prayer of the parents whose only child is dying from brain cancer? Who am I that God would answer my prayer? Does he answer because he loves me? Does he not answer because he doesn't love the kid dying from cancer?
How is it that people of other religions can have these supernatural experiences of healing or seemingly prophetic dreams but don't follow Jesus? Could it maybe be possible to experience the miraculous apart from Christ? Is it possible that maybe all the "answered prayers" that we see in our lives are perfect coincidences that we incorrectly attribute to a God?
So on one hand I've been wrestling with those thoughts.
On the other hand I know enough scripture to know that Satan, by his very nature, is a liar and so it would also make sense for him to be filling my head with doubts and lies in an attempt to lead me away from God's path for my life.
But on the other hand, maybe that's just me rationalizing my experience through the lens of Christianity like I have been socialized to do by the church/bible?
It's crazy. At my very core, I know that I don't really doubt God's existence...but sometimes I start to question my experiences. I wonder why I have such a hard time reading the Bible every day or spending time with God. Then I wonder, "am I really a Christian? Do I really love Jesus? Because if I do love Him like I say that I do, then why is it so hard for me to spend time with him?" And then I wonder if anyone else has these thoughts.
So this last Monday, I woke up and wrote this in my journal, and honestly I'm glad I did because I'd have no recollection of it otherwise:
Then I went back to sleep haha. When I woke up, I listened to a sermon from my old church in Chicago, and decided to take a spontaneous trip to the beach because it was March and the weather was nice and just why not? So I'm driving to the beach, and honestly I have forgotten about my little early morning convo w/ God. I'm just living my best life driving and listening to Terrible, Thanks For Asking (aka my favorite podcast. judge away). I finally arrive at the beach somewhere north of Florence and I park and start to make my way to the ocean. I decide to perch myself on an embankment (may or may not be the correct usage of the word here) of rocks near the edge of the ocean and just sat still in silence. Only then did I remember my (kinda sorta earnest but not really) prayer for God to reveal himself to me. So I sat. And continued to sit. And as I'm watching the waves crash against the rocks recklessly, repeatedly, and without mercy, I speak into the distance "God, are you like the ocean? Beautiful and powerful and destructive and seemingly merciless? Just crashing against stuff like it's your job? Is that what I drove here for you to reveal to me?" And while I waited for God to answer, all I could think was "well if that's the case then that bloody sucks". So I continued to sit and wait and listen.
You know when you are at the ocean (at least on the choppy,blustery Oregon coast anyways) and you are standing on the shore getting the soles of your feet wet and watching the waves and then a seemingly innocent little wave is actually faster and higher than you expected and so you turn and run back to the shore because you only rolled your jeans up to your mid-calves and you don't want your pants to get soaked in saltwater for the rest of the day because they are the only pair that you brought with you to the beach?? Does that happen to anybody? So I am sitting on the rocks just kind of contemplatively watching the waves when a massive, fast wave starts to approach faster than I can run back to the shore in my skirt and Tevas without slipping on the rocks and breaking and ankle and/or cracking my head open. My first thoughts were "oh shit, I'm going to get swept away by the ocean and probably die" (sorry, honesty hour over here!). But that was followed quickly by "I'm just going to affix my body to these rocks and I might get wet, but I'll probably be ok". So I hunkered down and braced myself for the worst, while simultaneously picturing the headline of the local newspaper reading: Eugene Pharmacist Does Not Respect the Ocean and Meets an Untimely Death at Age 27. But guess what? I didn't die! And as the wave got closer and closer I had this confidence that as long as I was connected to the rock, I would surely be ok. Sure enough, I got a little bit wet, but I did not perish. And in that moment, I heard a voice in my head say "You had it all wrong, Eva. I am not the ocean in this scenario. I'm the rock." And then, of course, all the verses and songs likening God to the rock came flooding back, including the classic "build your house on the rock" parable. I started laughing out loud because I had literally put God to the test and he answered me. Hallelujah.
Here is my takeaway: Like waves, doubts (and trials, and a bunch of other crap) of many kinds are sure to come. Some are going to be bigger than others and some will probably be smaller and seem more manageable...and thats ok because the rock aka God is a steady foundation and he's not going anywhere. I mean the rocks on the shore have been there for hundreds or thousands or millions of years (now is NOT the time for an old-earth vs new-earth creation debate, mmmmmkkk?) without ever being overtaken by the ocean. As beautifully powerfully and often intimidating as the ocean is, it doesn't stand a chance against the rocks. It's the same with God. Greater is He.
And guess what? My doubts didn't magically disappear as a result of that encounter, though that would have been freakin' fantastic. But I know that my God is dependable and a sure foundation for me to plant my feet on as I try to navigate through these questions. He ain't scared! He can take it. And as much as I want to remove from this post the part about my doubts because I'm afraid people from my church will see and question what kind of a Christian I am, I'm not gonna because this is real and vulnerable and those are good things to be. Selah.
How is it that a loving God can allow so much brokenness to exist? I know, I know, we live in a world fractured by the original sin of Adam...but seriously...why are there people who are getting blown to pieces in Syria while I am sitting in my warm, comfortable bed typing on my Apple computer?
Or why is it that I can ask God for a new job and then God provides me with the best job ever but then doesn't answer the prayer of the parents whose only child is dying from brain cancer? Who am I that God would answer my prayer? Does he answer because he loves me? Does he not answer because he doesn't love the kid dying from cancer?
How is it that people of other religions can have these supernatural experiences of healing or seemingly prophetic dreams but don't follow Jesus? Could it maybe be possible to experience the miraculous apart from Christ? Is it possible that maybe all the "answered prayers" that we see in our lives are perfect coincidences that we incorrectly attribute to a God?
So on one hand I've been wrestling with those thoughts.
On the other hand I know enough scripture to know that Satan, by his very nature, is a liar and so it would also make sense for him to be filling my head with doubts and lies in an attempt to lead me away from God's path for my life.
But on the other hand, maybe that's just me rationalizing my experience through the lens of Christianity like I have been socialized to do by the church/bible?
It's crazy. At my very core, I know that I don't really doubt God's existence...but sometimes I start to question my experiences. I wonder why I have such a hard time reading the Bible every day or spending time with God. Then I wonder, "am I really a Christian? Do I really love Jesus? Because if I do love Him like I say that I do, then why is it so hard for me to spend time with him?" And then I wonder if anyone else has these thoughts.
So this last Monday, I woke up and wrote this in my journal, and honestly I'm glad I did because I'd have no recollection of it otherwise:
"This morning, in my slumber, I asked God to show me himself and to show me that he is real. May my eyes be open today to see what he intends to show me."
Then I went back to sleep haha. When I woke up, I listened to a sermon from my old church in Chicago, and decided to take a spontaneous trip to the beach because it was March and the weather was nice and just why not? So I'm driving to the beach, and honestly I have forgotten about my little early morning convo w/ God. I'm just living my best life driving and listening to Terrible, Thanks For Asking (aka my favorite podcast. judge away). I finally arrive at the beach somewhere north of Florence and I park and start to make my way to the ocean. I decide to perch myself on an embankment (may or may not be the correct usage of the word here) of rocks near the edge of the ocean and just sat still in silence. Only then did I remember my (kinda sorta earnest but not really) prayer for God to reveal himself to me. So I sat. And continued to sit. And as I'm watching the waves crash against the rocks recklessly, repeatedly, and without mercy, I speak into the distance "God, are you like the ocean? Beautiful and powerful and destructive and seemingly merciless? Just crashing against stuff like it's your job? Is that what I drove here for you to reveal to me?" And while I waited for God to answer, all I could think was "well if that's the case then that bloody sucks". So I continued to sit and wait and listen.
You know when you are at the ocean (at least on the choppy,blustery Oregon coast anyways) and you are standing on the shore getting the soles of your feet wet and watching the waves and then a seemingly innocent little wave is actually faster and higher than you expected and so you turn and run back to the shore because you only rolled your jeans up to your mid-calves and you don't want your pants to get soaked in saltwater for the rest of the day because they are the only pair that you brought with you to the beach?? Does that happen to anybody? So I am sitting on the rocks just kind of contemplatively watching the waves when a massive, fast wave starts to approach faster than I can run back to the shore in my skirt and Tevas without slipping on the rocks and breaking and ankle and/or cracking my head open. My first thoughts were "oh shit, I'm going to get swept away by the ocean and probably die" (sorry, honesty hour over here!). But that was followed quickly by "I'm just going to affix my body to these rocks and I might get wet, but I'll probably be ok". So I hunkered down and braced myself for the worst, while simultaneously picturing the headline of the local newspaper reading: Eugene Pharmacist Does Not Respect the Ocean and Meets an Untimely Death at Age 27. But guess what? I didn't die! And as the wave got closer and closer I had this confidence that as long as I was connected to the rock, I would surely be ok. Sure enough, I got a little bit wet, but I did not perish. And in that moment, I heard a voice in my head say "You had it all wrong, Eva. I am not the ocean in this scenario. I'm the rock." And then, of course, all the verses and songs likening God to the rock came flooding back, including the classic "build your house on the rock" parable. I started laughing out loud because I had literally put God to the test and he answered me. Hallelujah.
Here is my takeaway: Like waves, doubts (and trials, and a bunch of other crap) of many kinds are sure to come. Some are going to be bigger than others and some will probably be smaller and seem more manageable...and thats ok because the rock aka God is a steady foundation and he's not going anywhere. I mean the rocks on the shore have been there for hundreds or thousands or millions of years (now is NOT the time for an old-earth vs new-earth creation debate, mmmmmkkk?) without ever being overtaken by the ocean. As beautifully powerfully and often intimidating as the ocean is, it doesn't stand a chance against the rocks. It's the same with God. Greater is He.
And guess what? My doubts didn't magically disappear as a result of that encounter, though that would have been freakin' fantastic. But I know that my God is dependable and a sure foundation for me to plant my feet on as I try to navigate through these questions. He ain't scared! He can take it. And as much as I want to remove from this post the part about my doubts because I'm afraid people from my church will see and question what kind of a Christian I am, I'm not gonna because this is real and vulnerable and those are good things to be. Selah.
Eva, I lovvve this! I've DEFINITELY had allll those same doubts/thoughts before and got to a point where I just couldn't do it anymore. I journaled, "God, I don't want to leave you, but I just can't keep this up on my own anymore." And legit, the next day, and pretty much every day that week, he brought someone into my life that encouraged me. Lesson: God is real, and community is key! Though I still struggle with doubts, I've walked away from that week with a greater confidence, knowing that if He isn't real, if Christianity is a lie, I would no longer believe it. I wouldn't have made it past that point! Even now, last week, I was riding high on faith and God's promises, and just one week later, my faith doesn't feel so strong. The older we get, the more we relate to those stinking Israelites in the dessert eh? lol. He has SO much grace for us. Anyways, love you, and loved reading about how God reveals himself! So beautiful :)
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