It's ok to not be ok.

I’m not alright, I’m broken inside {broken insiiiiiiiide}

If you grew up listening to positive, encouraging, K-LOVE, you likely recognized those words from a Sanctus Real song (and if you don’t, worry not, you aren’t really missing anything). While sometimes I’d like to think that I’ve evolved into this authentic, cool Christian who is obviously too cool for mainstream Christian music, sometimes the Lord chooses to humble you by making you cry with a cheesy Stephen Curtis Chapman ballad circa 1999! I can’t explain it, it just happens sometimes. At any rate, this song has been speaking so deeply to my heart, because it has been a rough season for me lately.

I think that a lot of times as Christians, we equate living the “good Christian life” with having everything look good on the outside for people. For me personally, I think that my life probably looks pretty awesome from the outside, and for a while, I was okay with people thinking that it was an accurate portrayal of how I’m really doing.

On the outside, I was this newly graduated doctor of pharmacy, blessed with multiple job offers and the opportunity to move back to the state that I loved with all my heart (Oregon). I was single, but lovin’ life—living life to the fullest and enjoying the adventure of it all. I was new to the area, but super excited to begin my journey of finding a new church and getting “plugged in”…this was how it looked.

The reality was that I was(AM) feeling trapped in a career that I don’t love but feel shackled to because of EIGHT YEARS of schooling and STUDENT LOANS for days. I’ve been dealing with this crippling loneliness because I am having to start over yet again in a new town and make new friends, which if I’m being honest, I don’t really feel like doing. Making new friends and finding community take so much time, energy, and effort. I don’t necessarily want new friends, I just want the friends that I have already to live closer! But then in the absence of community, I’ve felt lonely. So for a while I was trying to fill the loneliness with guys and going on numerous dates which, *spoiler alert* doesn’t work all that well and I still felt lonely.

I know that personally, I have felt a deep fear of feeling like I am not handling situations as “Christian-ly” as I probably should. I imagine that many folks who know me would be shocked to learn that I have not really felt like looking for a church in this season and I wonder if they question or judge my walk with Jesus. That fear of being known or seen fully can be absolutely terrifying and it might just seem easier to live in the shadows.

Maybe you can relate to being in a crappy season and struggling to find the joy in it.

Maybe you are struggling with the disappointment of unmet expectations.

Maybe you are feeling the burden of loneliness that hurts so deep, you can’t really explain it.

Wherever you are at I want to tell you this: it is okay. It is okay to not be okay. Your feelings are valid. I know that often, well-meaning people want to help by telling you to “turn your trials into triumphs” or whatever, but sometimes that is just salt in the wound, you know?

It has been my experience that authenticity, not pretense, is the catalyst for healing.

Be real with yourself about where you are at. Don’t try to suppress your feelings. It might seem like a quick fix, but trust me, it does not bode well in the end. Be real with others. I’m not saying you have to get up in front of the congregation on a Sunday morning and bare your soul (unless God is leading you to do that!). Sometimes it’s enough just to have that one friend that you can confide in who will listen to the good, the bad, and the ugly and who will pray with you.

And lastly {and maybe most importantly}, be real with God. Nothing is too messy for him to handle. Nothing is hidden from him and everything is exposed (Hebrews 4:13) so there is no point pretending otherwise. Life is full of peaks and valleys and honestly, sometimes the valleys seem deeper and longer than the mountaintops. That is okay! Know that no matter where you are, you are seen by your Father and he wants to walk with you through every high and every low. You don’t have to pretend with him. You don’t have to make yourself pretty for him. He values your honesty and he is not going anywhere.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. Psalms 34:19