in him is the fullness of all things

To my church folk--former, current, and future: you owe black people an apology. If you only knew how many times I sat in church, hoping you would speak out against the oppression of black people. How much it hurt when week after week, there was nothing but silence from the pulpit. Or worse, silence from my friends.  Many of you felt (and maybe continue to feel) threatened by the Black Lives Matters movement and had no trouble voicing your negative sentiments to me, a hurting member of the black community. Some of you hosted problematic, white guest speakers to come and speak to the church about “racial reconciliation”--exhorting black folks to “lay down our offenses for the sake of the gospel” without giving any mention of repentance of the centuries of church-sanctioned violence against black Americans. Many of you weaponized your white fragility by storming out of meetings where racial injustice in the church was being discussed to shift the attention from people of color onto ...

Ok so this is going to be a post about DOUBT. I feel like maybe a lot of Christians struggle with doubt but because we want to appear holy and righteous before our peers we don't talk about it because we want people to think that we have our sh*t together? Just me? Anyways. I have been in such a funny season with the Lord, you guys. As I've mentioned before, 2016 was kind of a topsy turvy year for me for many reasons but the election really caused me to question a lot of things about the Church, which has subsequently led me to have more questions than ever about God. Let me give some examples. How is it that a loving God can allow so much brokenness to exist? I know, I know, we live in a world fractured by the original sin of Adam...but seriously...why are there people who are getting blown to pieces in Syria while I am sitting in my warm, comfortable bed typing on my Apple computer? Or why is it that I can ask God for a new job and then God provides me with the best job e...

This is not going to be a post about Donald Trump or my feelings about him. Honestly, if you know me, you already know my thoughts about him and there are probably hundreds if not thousands of articles that you could read if you want to learn about other peoples thoughts on Mr. Trump. What I am hoping to do is to articulate what it is that caused my deep sadness and disappointment, not only in America, but also in the church. These are just my honest, unadulterated thoughts. I am not trying to attack anyone. I am not trying to attack the church. If you don't care to read on then I suggest you don't :) In the days, weeks, and months following the election, I had a lot of time to really attempt to process why it was that I felt so low. I'm talking post-break up, low.  Initially, it was having to come to terms with the fact that people that I knew and loved voted for Donald Trump. Then it sort of evolved into disappointment that people did so for moral reasons. Then it beca...

September is here and it is still incredibly difficult for me to wrap my mind around that. The days just seem to be fly I think back to where I was six months ago and it's astonishing how much life can change. At the time of my last post, I was heartbroken, depressed, and significantly dissatisfied with life as it was. I felt like I was sinking into this deep hole and there wasn't anything that could keep me from falling deeper and deeper. So I started reading books. You are a Badass. Milk & Honey. Passion Meets Wisdom. And slowly, but surely, God used these words to pull me out of the depths and show me that my life was not in fact over and I didn't have to continue living this way. I started changing the way I was thinking (poverty mindset) and realized that there was nothing heroic about remaining in misery. So I quit my job and got a job with a dream of a company (more on that later). I started filling my weekends with people and places that I loved and that brough...

I have so many thoughts that I am trying to process right now. I wish they were pretty and coherent and articulate but they aren’t. They are jumbled and messy and sad…but they are honest. I could probably write a whole series on my feelings haha…but I just can’t bring myself to do that right now. I think there is so much in our human nature that wants to be optimistic even in the face of overwhelming reasons not to be. Is that a good thing? I don’t know. Like, I know it’s a good thing, but sometimes it just doesn’t seem worth it when you get hit with disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. Sometimes it feels like the disappointments hurt more when preceded by pure, unadulterated hope. I think that any time you go into a new relationship, there is a level of hope that is necessary to take off, right? The belief that maybe THIS could be it. This could be the last first date or whatever. I know that for me, there was never any point at which I felt certain that TH...

I’m not alright, I’m broken inside {broken insiiiiiiiide} If you grew up listening to positive, encouraging, K-LOVE, you likely recognized those words from a Sanctus Real song (and if you don’t, worry not, you aren’t really missing anything). While sometimes I’d like to think that I’ve evolved into this authentic, cool Christian who is obviously too cool for mainstream Christian music, sometimes the Lord chooses to humble you by making you cry with a cheesy Stephen Curtis Chapman ballad circa 1999! I can’t explain it, it just happens sometimes. At any rate, this song has been speaking so deeply to my heart, because it has been a rough season for me lately. I think that a lot of times as Christians, we equate living the “good Christian life” with having everything look good on the outside for people. For me personally, I think that my life probably looks pretty awesome from the outside, and for a while, I was okay with people thinking that it was an accurate portrayal of how ...

The countdown, which has unofficially been on since I moved to Chicago in August of 2012, is officially on. I have one week left of pharmacy school. Two before graduation. I still can't believe it. To be quite honest, it doesn't feel like I thought it would feel. Don't get me wrong, pharmacy school has been the most difficult thing I have ever done and moving to Chicago sort of compounded that difficulty. But it has also been one of the best things that I have ever done and I know that I will never be the same. At approximately this time 4 years ago, a couple that I had never met, approached me at an event and told me 2 things: 1) That I carried the joy of the Lord and 2) That the season of life I was entering would be stretching and that I should take heart because when you stretch something, it never goes back to how it was before, and that the same would be true of me. I am so thankful for reminders that God still uses supernatural means to speak to his kids. It...

I'm torn about New Years Resolutions. On the one hand, I love the idea of a NEW year...there is something so fresh about a "clean slate", right? But on the other hand, why do we have to wait for a new year to make changes in our life? Why do I need to wait until Jan 1 to decide to eat better, exercise more, read more, etc? So I have mixed feelings about it. So I don't know if this counts as a new years resolution, and if it does, whatevs. But I am going to finish at least ONE book in 2016. You may find yourself thinking "Wow, Eva. That's a really modest goal. Aren't you an adult? Aren't you in pharmacy school? Shouldn't you aim a little higher?" Trust me, I know. In 2008, I read all 4 books in the twilight series in ONE WEEK. That's 2,444 pages in one week. What has happened to me?! Pharmacy school. It has somehow managed to simultaneously stimulate and deactivate parts of my brain but that's another story... ANYWAYS. I started re...

Hiiiiiii, For the record, it took me approx 13 tries to remember my login information to this blog. That’s how long it has been since I’ve written on this thing! It’s not that I haven’t had anything fun or exciting to write about…it’s just that the longer it’s been since you’ve done something, the more frightening it can be to get back on the horse, so to speak. Example: my dear friend Adina invited me to go rollerblading with her not too long ago and it’s not that I didn’t love rollerblading, it’s just that it had been like, 15 years since my last attempt. Long story short, it turns out somethings are NOT like riding a bike. Some things do NOT just come back. Muscle memory, it would seem, only goes so far. And I have some new scars to prove it. ANYWAYS. I didn’t have my first honest-to-goodness date until after I graduated college. When I say honest-to-goodness date I mean there was none of that “is this really a date because yeah, we are eating together but he didn’t pay” or “doe...

God has been teaching me an unreal amount of things in the last 6 months--things that it seems he has to teach me over and over, but by his grace I am making progress, slowly but surely. I am so thankful that God's love for us doesn't depend on the number of times that he has to teach us things or the amount of progress that we make--he just loves us because he loves us. A few weeks ago as I was reading through Jeremiah, I came across this verse in Jeremiah 2:13 and was particularly struck by it. "For my people have done two evil things: They have abandoned me--the fountain of living water. And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns that can hold no water at all! How often do we chase things that we think will make us happy, only to abandon the only one that can truly fill us up? In the interest of keeping it real with you guys, I want to say that for the LONGEST time I have been chasing relationships. Not in the way that some people do. I was not by any me...

2013 has been a beautiful year. It's funny, beauty isn't always borne from easy or fun or quick. Sometimes, beauty is borne of pain, waiting, patience. Sometimes. But the thing is, when you get to the beautiful part (and sometimes it takes a while), you see that the parts leading up to it were necessary and worth while. As I look back over this year at the person I was at it's start, I find myself thankful for everything that God allowed me to walk though because I am not the same, nor would I ever want to be.  In this past year I have experienced heartache, through which I've learned that no man will ever be able to complete me like the man Christ Jesus can. I have learned that living life as a people pleaser is no way to live life at all.  I have had the opportunity to travel to and through many new states including Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky, Tennessee, New Jersey, and Delaware. I have seen old and new friendships flourish in this year. I pr...

*via*   *via*   *via*   *via* *via* Fun fact: I love babies. Like, a lot. I grew up literally having like, 15 baby dolls. All my friends know that I want to have like, a zillion kids (that may be a mild over-exaggeration, but WHATEVER). Growing up, I would try to seize every opportunity that I could to be around little babies and since I have been in school, I feel like I have been a little baby-deprived (among other forms of deprivation). AND with my 23rd birthday looming over my head, I just feel like I have the worst case of BABY FEVER EVER. I'm talking my LOINS start to ache (is that even a real thing? Believe me, it feels real) at the mere sight of a baby. Here is a cute baby story. This past weekend, I got to hold the sweetest little baby who happened to be born on my half birthday so naturally we felt a strong connection. I bounced her up and down and sang songs to her and then finally (*reluctantly) got up to pass her to her m...

this is how I look when I feel rejected. Anybody who is anybody has experienced this feeling in some way shape or form. In fact, you can probably remember the first time that you felt the sting of rejection. My first memory was in elementary school. My best friend at the time had started cheating on our friendship with other cooler friends. I specifically remember one day when all of them were playing "Sailor Moon". Thats right, that dreadful japanese anime TV show that for some reason girls were nuts about. Anyways, I distinctly remember one particular school day during lunch break, trying to join in on this Sailor Moon madness and being encouraged by my friend to go elsewhere and play with other people since I hadn't actually watched Sailor Moon...doesn't that just suck? That really hurt my feelings. Ever encounter rejection from people of the opposite sex? Haha...why is it that that seems to the most painful kind? Without airing ALL of my dirty laund...

So I know that it has been eons since I last wrote, but today I am choosing to put off studying by blogging instead. Some would say that's an even tradeoff, right? Actually, probably not a lot of people would say that. My professors certainly wouldn't. WHATEVER. Anyways, lately I have spent a lot of time reflecting on society and how as a whole, we try to stick to the status quo, go with the flow, etc...and I think that's fine. But I also feel like somewhere along the way we've become way too concerned with what other people think! Right? I have often found this playing out in my life when it comes to decision making. Like, I'll make decisions based on what I think will make other people happy. Now, I'm not saying that that is always bad...because God does call us to honor one another above ourselves {Romans 12.10} but I do believe that God has wired each of us in amazingly beautiful and different ways and to try to mirror the way other people behave would be ...

"  Believers will be given the power to perform miracles: they will drive out demons in my name; they will speak in strange tongues;   if they pick up snakes or drink any poison, they will not be harmed; they will place their hands on sick people, and these will get well.” Mark 16:17-18 This was the reality that the disciples walked in once they received the Holy Spirit. Actually, it wasn't just the disciples...the book of Acts records numerous believers who, by the power of the Holy Spirit, laid hands on and healed people. I used to think that this was something that was reserved for the "super spiritual" people but that couldn't be further from the truth! Every believer of Jesus Christ has access to the same power that raised Christ from the dead. We ALL have the ability to hear from God. He is all about advancing his Kingdom and pushing against the darkness with his light and he wants to partner with us! It's amazing. Tonight, a group of us fro...

Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go -Ascend the Hill

...in the Father's hands we know that a lifetime's not too long to live as friends. (If you're truly a child of the K-LOVE 90's era, you should have immediately recognized the fact that this is a Michael W. Smith HIT simply by reading the title. But just in case you're not, you can see what you were missing out on and listen to the cheesy touching song HERE ) It has been an amazing couple of months here in the lovely PNW, but alas, the time has come for me to leave. I will miss everyone dearly but I also know that He who called me to Chicago, has good things for me there and I am excited to experience everything that he has for me. Here are some pics so you can get a little taste of my Oregon summer. beach day with these lovelies my best friend graduated from college! introducing mrs. sara brubaker! baby Esther was all about Bethany's sunnies. Two of the most amazing women I know. I love me some hard pear cider! ...